I’ve lost my perspective.  I’m still focused on this life – this day – wanting so much to have things the way I want them.  And they aren’t.  I know God loves me completely, He talks to me, sends me songs and scriptures and insights and love in ways that make me cry every time, and I am confessing that it hasn’t been enough for me!  I want to be better. 

I want to feel good in my body again.  I want to wake up busy and wanting to run into the things God has called me to do.  I want to love my daughters well – I want to be there for them. I want to be a healthy Grandma.  I want to be a happy, loving wife.  I want to be a good friend and run to the rescue when they need me.  I want more than this.

Somehow, I thought I would write something beautiful this morning.  Something expressing my eye-opening gratitude for awakening to the truth that no matter my current circumstances Jesus died so I have a hope and a future with Him in Heaven.  But here I am ranting again.  I still want what I want while I’m here.  I’m still selfish in that way – to the core, I still want to be well. 

And I think in this moment God is saying it’s okay, that He wants that for me too.  ‘Hold on just a little longer, again you remind me.  You’ll be back.  I’m with you and will be every step of the way.  I’m perfecting you. Hold on.  Keep your eyes on me.  It’s going to be okay.’

(From my journal 2/17/20)

It’s been a difficult season.  I know I’m not the only one.  Some of you are walking through difficulties much more devastating than mine.  Some have experienced grave loss.  A spouse, parent, or the unimaginable loss of a child.  Some of you are dealing with an unexpected diagnosis or life-changing tragedy.  I think of all of you as I write this and know my circumstances may seem trite in comparison to yours, and for that I want you to know that I am sensitive to your experience and am in no way saying mine is the same as yours. 

The thought of offending you, or being self-absorbed has kept me from writing this, but then I think back on real, raw, emotion filled books or blogs that I have read that have comforted me and helped me feel not quite so alone.  Books like “It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way” by Lysa Terkeurst or “A Place of Healing” by Joni Eareckson Tada, writers that didn’t shy away from their experience and boldly opened their hearts to me.  I want to be that for you, or maybe it’s just for me – maybe it’s simply part of my healing.  Either way I’m writing.

I’ve shared my life’s unexpected turn in a previous blog.  How I have been benched from doing what I have believed God has made me to do, and what I’m learning here on the bench.  But since writing that, my pain has increased and my ability to do my life has significantly decreased.  

Today I find myself waking to a weary body.  Fearful each day of doing something that will trigger that familiar twinge, the twinge that means most likely I will be down in a dark room the rest of the day, praying for God to ease the ache in my head, my body, and my exhausted spirit.  Begging to be healed.  Seeking prayers from faithful friends on my behalf and crying on my husband’s shoulder in desperation.  Pain is coming more often than not these days. 

I pray the end to my pain is in sight because I am set for surgery in just a few weeks.  BUT more importantly, I am going to be a Grandma any day now!  And I am determined to be there for my daughter and the baby during the birth and as much as I can before my surgery.  But if I look at my good days, vs bad days on the calendar, it’s looking less likely I will be well when I get the call…

But I’ve not stopped praying for it.

Please hear my heart – I am NOT sharing this with you for sympathy.  Really, I’m not.  I’ve been hiding out in my pain, letting just a few in on my experience because I don’t want you to feel bad for me.  What I want is for you to be encouraged through my experience, even though I don’t have this all wrapped up with a pretty bow yet, I have so much to tell you my friend.  And to be honest I feel like I need to include you in on all of my life, since I started this blog with the intention of sharing my life and God’s faithful love in it – how can I not share the hard stuff?

So, what do I want to tell you today?  Again, I’m not yet on the other side, but here’s what I know so far…  Life can be hard.  Bad things happen to good people.  Things don’t always turn out the way we want them to.  AND God is still good and loves you completely and entirely.  (Psalm 107:1)

He hears your cries.  He knows your pain.  He knows what you need even in your grumbling when your anguish is too deep to express.  He has compassion on you.  He gathers all your tears.  He has never left your side. He is working on your behalf.  (Psalm 18:6, Psalm 34:18, Romans 8:26, Psalm 145:9, Psalm 56:8, Isaiah 41:10, Romans 8:28)

Why did He allow that tragedy, diagnosis, or hurt?  We may never know in this lifetime; but in case you haven’t noticed we live in a fallen world, and because of that we will have trouble.  But we can take heart, friends, because of God’s great love for us He has made a way.  Jesus has overcome this world, and if we believe that to be true, we have a hope and a future. (John 16:33)

Yes, bad things happen to good people in this world.  And it shouldn’t be that way, but it is.  Yes, God could rescue us from our pain right now, He could answer our prayers with one word, and I don’t know why He doesn’t, but I do know there will be a day when He will take away all the pain and wipe every tear. (Rev 21:3-4)

It all comes down to trust, a familiar theme here on the blog if you’ve been reading along.  Trust.  Do we trust that God is who He says He is and will do what He says He will do?

I declared a lot of truth in the previous paragraphs and if you are new to the Bible or still seeking a relationship with God, you might be wondering how I can believe such things.  I’ve left you the scripture references for each statement and challenge you to look up the truth.  Take it in.  Don’t just read the scripture reference, but read the chapter, read what comes before and after the statement.  See if you can make those truths your own, oh what comfort you will find!

Do I still struggle?  Yes.  When I look at the way I thought my life would go and the way it’s going, yes, I struggle believing some days.  Lately I’ve been fighting to live my day-to-day in these truths; knowing them is one thing, living them out is another entirely.  Yes, I struggle, maybe you do too, but God promises to be faithful even when we are faithless and forgives our disbelief when we turn back and continue to seek Him. What a generous God! (2 Tim 2:13, 1 John 1:9)

Well, friend, that’s all I have for you today.  Real and raw, and desperately wanting to encourage you today, or maybe me…  If this was just for me, I want to thank you for taking the time to listen to my heart.  It’s scary to show you my weakness, but I knew I needed to write today, I’m trusting there’s someone else out there that needed it too.  

As always, I’d love to hear from you, take a few minutes to consider the questions below and let me know what truth most spoke to your heart today.   And if you have a friend in pain right now, please consider sharing this blog with them, thank you. ~ Lauren